How to survive your first lesbian or queer break up

Lesbian woman looking upset after breaking up with her queer girlfriend

If you’ve just experienced your first lesbian or queer break up, you probably feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Ouch.

Whether the break up was a long time coming or the worst surprise ever - break ups suck, but there’s something about lesbian and queer break ups – especially when it’s your first one – that can feel absolutely brutal.  

I remember my first lesbian break up – I wish I could forget it! Despite the fact that it was well overdue and probably the definition of toxic, I still spent three months wallowing in bed, feeling like I’d emotionally been run over by a big gay steamroller. Spoiler: three months (and a whole bunch of tequila) later, I realised it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Onwards and upwards!

So, from one queer woman to another, here are a few tips, do’s and some definite don’ts that I wish I was told for surviving my first lesbian break up.

Acknowledge your feelings

Break ups are stressful and confusing, and there’s no one way you should feel about it. When you've broken up it can bring up a lot of emotions and hit you harder than you ever expected – and that’s completely normal. 

The first step to getting over your ex is to let yourself feel those feelings and take some time to grieve the end of the relationship, without getting stuck in this stage of the healing process.

If you need to lock yourself away and watch a marathon of sappy queer movies while you eat chips, masturbate and cry – do it for a few days and then come up for air. Don’t over process or let the emotions keep you down for too long. The key is to not let your breakup turn into a breakdown. 

Don’t text your ex

Wondering when you should text your ex in the aftermath of your break up? Want to write them an essay about how you feel? The answer is… Don’t.  

Whatever you do, don’t text, DM, Snapchat or call her. Don’t comment on her Facebook or Instagram statuses. Don’t tell her how you feel. Just don’t. The best and safest kind of contact to have with your ex after your relationship ends is NONE. Well, not for at least a few weeks anyway, and certainly not while you’re all up in your feelings. 

Love is a drug; breakups are a comedown and contact can give you false hope. If you find yourself tempted to flick her a text – block her. Going cold turkey on contact is the quickest way to get over you ex.

Don’t try to be besties straight away

Even if you want to keep the friendship after the relationship dissolves, resist the urge to try and remain best buddies with your ex the minute you break up.
Transitioning your relationship from a romantic one to a friendship is going to involve communication, boundaries and time. Exes can definitely stay friends, and it’s pretty standard for lesbian and queer women to remain friends with their ex-lovers, but it’s going to take patience. 

Let the wounds heal first. There’s plenty of time to work on your friendship in the future, but that shouldn’t be the focus while you’re trying to move on.

Avoid ex sex

Jumping back into bed with your ex might feel great and pacify your pain in the moment, but it’s only going to prolong it in the long run.

Trust me, I get it. After a break up, your confidence and self-esteem can take a bashing, which can leave you feeling self-conscious or reluctant to get naked with someone new. Being in the familiar intimacy of your exes’ arms (or between their legs) might seem like the safe option – but it’s likely to lead to emotional attachment, re opening old wounds and potentially making the situation more confusing and harder than it needs to be. No orgasm is worth that kind of drama!

Spend time with your friends

When we’re deep in a relationship, especially a new and intense one, we can sometimes tend to let our friendships fall to the side. After a break up is the perfect time to spend quality time with friends and family who you might not have seen as much since you were in that relationship. 

Using this time to rekindle those platonic relationships, make new memories and spend time with the people who love you will not only help you to get her out of your head, but it’ll also help you realise there’s a life beyond your ex-girlfriend.

Stop talking about your ex

After a relationship ends, it’s healthy to reflect on the relationship so you can move onwards and upwards, but remember to leave the past in the past!

While it’s going to be helpful in the wake of your breakup to talk to your mates about it, if you’re still yabbering on about your ex six months down the track, this kind of over processing will not only bore your friends to death, but it’s going to keep you stuck in the past while your ex moves on.

If you feel like you’ve still got a lot of feelings about your ex or your lesbian break up to work through before you can move forward, spare your friends sanity and write everything down in a journal. Then burn the journal and move on. 

You got this

While getting over your first lesbian or queer break up isn’t something that can be fast tracked, take comfort in the fact that while you might feel like shit right now – in a few months, you won’t recognise yourself! 

The silver lining of this dark time is that you are now single and ready to mingle. 

They say that time heals all wounds, but I say that so does meeting, dating, making out with and getting naked with other single lesbian and queer women.

The world is your moist oyster – so switch your Lesbian Match Maker profile to single, update your profile and get out there.

And if you’re still struggling… just remember that the best thing about your first break up, is that it only happens once!

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